Saturday, 20 October 2012
Yes you read that right. Breaking Dawn is a prophecy. Or at least it was in this particular dream of mine. I was living in West Bay, hanging on the green by the pub one ordinary afternoon. Then I was kidnapped by extreme Twi hards. They thought that Breaking Dawn was a prophecy and it was their duty to see that it came true. In it, there was another wedding, between Charlie Swan (father of the wet and extremely irritating 'heroine' of the Twilight series), and a woman whose identity I did not know. These Twihards had decided that I was that woman and therefore it was my destiny to marry Charlie Swan. Or rather, the man they had decided was the living embodiment of Charlie Swan. Utterly bewildered and wondering what the hell was going on, I tried to reason with my kidnappers - all women - and tell them that the book wasn't prophecy and why on earth would they think I would marry some man I didn't know just because they thought I should. I remember one woman looking at me with that fervent zeal in her eyes. You know the one, it's the same one that extremely religious people get when they're trying to convert you. Or the one that the student midwife gave me when she was telling me how fascinating it was being in the room when I gave birth. Anyway, my reasoning didn't work, she just gave me that look and exclaimed in a breathy voice about how this was an honour for me and how happy I was going to be. That did it for me; I jumped up, lost my temper and yelled that there was no way I was going to marry this man and that they were all a bunch of whackjobs. Then I stormed out. Clearly they hadn't thought that this would happen as the doors weren't locked so I just wrenched them open and walked out. Back down the Bay on the green, I was telling my friends what has happened, when all the Twihards walked past me, wearing an expression of rueful sadness mixed with bewilderment, like they couldn't believe what I had done. I turned to them and shouted that Breaking Dawn wasn't real. The one I had spoken to before looked at me and said ' I know it isn't real' in a voice that people use when they're giving a really lame comeback. Then she tossed her head with a sniff and told me I needed to get a job. I looked at her with bemusement, shook my head and turned back to my friends. Then woke up, wondering what on earth my brain was on.